Welcome to Golden Predictions, a column where I—an age-old psychic—make predictions about some of our favourite starlets. I also freelance, so you can call me for your own futures, I can’t promise that they’ll be golden, not all of us can be special. Ring me at 1-800-1818-GOLDEN (rates may apply). Also, I have a late night show at 1 a.m. every night for two weeks once a year on channel 69. . .some say it is television’s most lively hour.
So, well, here are my Golden Predictions:
- Chloe Fineman will perform a sketch of herself impersonating herself. It may not appear on SNL but certainly on her Instagram.
- Chloe Fineman will impersonate Stefon on Weekend Update.
- Chloe Fineman will impersonate her dog Peach, it may top her Drew Barrymore impression.
- Fran Lebowitz and Martin Scorsese will exchange BFF4L charm necklaces.
- Fran Lebowitz will pretend she is a human.
- Chloe Fineman will impersonate Fran Lebowitz, lick her lips, juge her hands, and walk around New York pretending it is a city.
Este, Danielle, and Alana Haim
- Este, Danielle, and Alana Haim will still be walking.
- Danielle will buy a gas station. Este will buy the Olive Garden next door. And Alana will get some ass.
- They’ll also start their own deli called Haim’s Deli. The pastrami will be all you’ve ever wanted.
- Rashida Jones will release dance workout videos.
- Rashida Jones will teach us something new.
- Natalie Norman will encounter a man with no red flags.
- Natalie Norman will never own a reptile.
- Natalie Norman and Robby Hoffman will be back with Jews—A Comedy show (Part 2) where they’ll announce they’ve started their own line of Magen David necklaces. Location TBD. But probably Comedy Bar.
- Sasha Spielberg will release a new album where she sings buzzy tunes about fake food while painting portraits of fake food.
- Tavi Gevinson’s Rookie Podcast is here to remind us that we’re still rookies.
- Tiffany Haddish will attend Natalie Norman and Robby Hoffman’s show, mistaking Norman for Portman—but will refuse to buy one of their necklaces because nothing can be better than the one gifted to her by Barbara Streisand.
- Barbara Streisand will reveal the secret to her long natural nails.
- Zoe Lister-Jones will direct a musical about why we still have no chill about Timothée Chalamet.
*I cannot promise all predictions will be accurate, but they sure as heck are golden.
Header image design by Orly Zebak.
Orly Zebak writes, designs sets and costumes, and makes art in various mediums. Her work seeks to challenge conceptions of female performativity in relation to womanhood, girlhood, and coming of age stories. In her spare time, you can catch Orly gardening—usually in her very comfortable off-brand crocs.
Orly earned her M.A. at the University of Toronto in Drama, Theatre and Performance Studies.